A Night of Passion With Queen Nation

There's nothing sexier than four charismatic blokes soaking your body with their own sweat. Ryan Gosling naked? Katy Perry stripping? They both make my eyes want to puke themselves up in hot lava. All they want to see is men in wigs. All I ever want to behold is the climax of Queen cover bands, Queen Nation. Imagine yourself all tough and taking your woman to another one of her shows you want nothing to do with. Then, like that, it happens. With only a thin layer of polyester separating your face from their genitals, it's impossible to remember that you were straight walking into the Ranch, in San Miguel of all places, and now have become fully gay and falling in love. I believe Queen Nation makes this their goal for every performance. It works like a homoerotic charm.
Forming in 2004, Queen Nation have set out to make sure the next generation of lost children know what timeless music Queen have created. Nation does this flawlessly. Joe Retta, who performs as Freddie Mercury, prances around stage and sings as if Freddie's ghost is haunting his vocal chords. He demands your eyes to follow his every move. He is no cheap imitation. None of the band is. Guitarist Mike McAnus mimes Brian May's solos effortlessly. He is a virtuoso in his own right. Pete Burke and Parker Combs reincarnate Queen's rhythm sextion. Roger Taylor or John Deacon could step in for either one of them and no one would be able to tell the difference. That's how incredible of a cover band they are! No one else has ever surrendered their entire existence to the rulers of Arena Rock as much as the Nation has and despite the size of the stage they perform on, the comparison of sound and quality is remarkable. Throughout their entertaining 90 minute set, featuring We Will Rock You, Fat Bottom Girls, Crazy lil Thing Called Love, they don't miss a note. They deliver on all levels. Even their improvisation adds to the authenticity of the show. You cannot  help, but fall in love with them and the performance they put on.
I dare you to go to a Queen Nation show and try and resist their homoerotic charm. You will never want to leave. You will give up your abysmal marriage and pathetic job to join the band as a groupie. This is what happened to me when I saw them. Well, maybe it won't happen to you, or so you tell yourself, until you go to one of innumerable shows they put on each year and get showered in their sweat and start singing along to Another One Bites the Dust with only a thin layer of polyester separating your lips from their genitals. Then, what will you do? There's no stopping this love caboose. Go and ahead and try. I dare you.

http://www.queennation.com/

Local Kings of Annihilation: Depths of Chaos

Buried deep within a darkened tomb, hidden away from the psychotic violence and diseased fornication surrounding Grover Beach, lies Depths of Chaos. Guitarist/vocalist Darien Lohof, drummer Tom Hoopes, bassist Joey McDaniel, and guitarist Ty Richardson make up this merciless alliance. Together they have vowed to play death metal until an eternal darkness has covered the earth and slaughtered all of life.
Their utter commitment to annihilation began in 03'. Depths have since went on to play countless shows and record a handful of demos by which they have perfected their punishment. They invoke classic death metal acts such as Morbid Angel and Cryptopsy and blend it with bits of melodic and groove elements. Any respectable metalhead, who has heard them and says they are not a fan, deserves to be lobotomized and castrated simultaneously. As for the rest of us, we must do our duty to support them and go to as many of their shows as possible.
I was fortunate enough to be one of their victims during their last show. They played at Camozzi's in Atascadero, which is an decrepit venue to say the least. We have no choice in Atascadero. This is the only place in town to catch a show. No matter, Depths still made my ears bleed and orgasm throughout their whole set. From start to finish, through brutal riffs, unearthly growls, an unrelenting pummeling of the skins, and groovy, complex bass lines, they unleashed hell upon the audience. Most of the crowd let the music possess them. They banged their heads until their hair fell out and their brains spilled out onto the amps. Some of the other less open-minded concertgoers did not feel so blessed. They immediately went to the nearest church they could find and drowned themselves in holy water. It's too bad they missed out. Nothing is better than leaving a show covered in sweat, sin, and filth. The high stays with you forever.
Not everyone wants this. There is an abundance of conservative pricks, who would rather drown as opposed to have their face smashed in by an alcoholic maniac who is addicted to everything loud and gruesome. Death metal is an acquired taste, but it's one of the only genres of music that has truly dedicated fans, ones who devoutly worship the bands. Depths of Chaos, I feel, is one of these bands. Trust me, they deserve your admiration. They will be crowned the kings of annihilation by the end of 2012. Give up your souls now. Let them defile the sacred. For the punishment is sweet, the darkness eternal.

Burn your eyes with this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uz_AXsuCNk